Communicating your desires as a couple

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and this is especially true in a couple . Openly expressing your wants, needs, and desires is essential for building a strong relationship .

As the years go by in a relationship, routine sets in and each partner's desires can be taken for granted. This can lead to a dead end where Libido becomes less prominent . In this article, we guide you step by step to better communicate your desires as a couple and put words to your own expectations to rekindle desire.

Getting to know yourself better to better approach your relationship

Experimentation and discovery on your own

To enjoy sex with another person, it's necessary to have explored your own pleasure beforehand. This allows you to define what you like and what you don't like.

Most of the time, to know if you like something, you have to have already tried it, right?

Don't hesitate to experiment with new practices alone or with your partner . This approach allows you to step outside your comfort zone and explore new facets of your personality.

There are many paths to self-knowledge. Several tools can help you: meditation, intuitive writing, tracking your menstrual cycle, masturbation , and more! Regarding your sexuality , we highly recommend recording your experiences, desires, and limits in a sexual log . We'll discuss this in more detail later.

Explore your intimacy with a vibrator

Vibrators are your best friends in exploring your pleasures . Their different vibration modes allow you to identify the sensitivity of your erogenous zones and the intensity you enjoy. They also encourage you to be more present in your body and to be an active participant in your sexual encounters, whether alone or with a partner.

Opt for a dual-stimulation model , combining suction and vibration, that bends to offer both internal and external stimulation. To choose the vibrator that will sweep you off your feet, do your research beforehand!

Talk to yourself before including your partner

To better understand your desires, journaling can be the perfect tool.

Here are some suggestions for your moment of introspection.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What gives me the most pleasure in my intimate experiences?

• What types of caresses, gestures, or words make me feel most comfortable and connected to my partner?

• What fantasies have I already imagined without necessarily wanting to realize them?

• What sexual practices make me curious, but uncertain about exploring them?

• What past experiences have allowed me to discover new sources of pleasure?

• What are my clear and non-negotiable boundaries in an intimate context?

• To what extent do I feel ready to openly communicate my desires and limits with a partner?

• Do I feel more comfortable with spontaneous encounters or in a reassuring and familiar setting?

• How do I react to novelty or the unexpected in my intimate experiences?

• What elements or types of relationships are essential for me to feel fully fulfilled and respected in my sexuality?

These questions not only help you to better define what is important to you , but also to explore aspects of your sexuality that you may not have considered before.

Trust your intuition to move forward peacefully as a couple

Intuition—often considered a feminine “gift”—is much more than a simple emotional reaction. Far from being mystical, intuition is a universal ability accessible to all that guides your decisions.

Rather than being limited to hunches, it complements logic and plays a key role in all aspects of life, including professional and personal choices .

Using a tarot deck, an oracle, or another tool for self-connection allows you to cultivate this intuition . By putting images and words to your feelings, the oracle acts as a mirror to your unconscious , helping you navigate your emotions. Give it a try!

Do men have a greater desire for sex than women?

What type of desire do you have?

Differences in libido within a couple are perfectly normal. Yet, many partners tend to withdraw into themselves, when the solution is always to talk about it!

In general, men and women do not experience desire in the same way . According to the latest INSERM report “ Context of sexualities in France ” (2024), 75% of women think that men “naturally” have greater sexual needs than they do.

However, far from being a natural state linked to gender, it is rather a millennia-old cultural construct that has separated us. On the other hand, what is true is that men often experience spontaneous desire, which appears more instinctively without the need for direct stimulation. This type of desire can arise without any obvious erotic stimulus .

In contrast, women are said to more frequently experience reactive sexual desire , which requires external stimulation to become aroused. Of course, desires vary from person to person .

Furthermore, hormonal fluctuations can lead to mixed desire in women, combining elements of spontaneous and reactive desire. 

How can these differences in desire be addressed?

Have you ever felt a sudden desire for sexual intercourse , but your partner wasn't on the same page?

This situation may be frustrating in the moment, but it is common and nothing to be alarmed about.

It is normal and common not to have the same type of desires as one's partner .

Many factors come into play when it comes to libido: stress, anxiety, problems at work .

We are not all in the same frame of mind all the time. Once again, that's perfectly normal.

Good news: there are several ways to bridge these differences in desire . For example, you can plan your sexual encounters ; this will allow you to gradually build excitement and intensify desire. The longer you wait, the more you can tease your partner, playing on the fact that the moment is approaching. It's also a time to take time for yourself , to prepare, to choose your underwear… Pure bliss!

The importance of communication in a couple

How can you clearly communicate your desires to your partner?

Listening is essential for a fulfilling relationship , especially in the area of sexuality.

This approach not only promotes a better understanding of the other person , but it also contributes to a more fulfilling sex life and a more balanced couple relationship.

Nonviolent Communication ( NVC) is a valuable tool created by the American psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg . Its primary purpose is to manage situations where communication can be problematic. It is based on four principles: observation, expressing feelings, clarifying needs, and making requests.

1. Observation without judgment

Describe the situation without judgment: " I noticed you weren't in the mood for sex last night. "

2. Expression of feelings

Share your feelings without blaming your partner: " I felt frustrated and rejected when I realized our desires didn't align. "

3. Clarification of needs

Identify and communicate your needs: " I need to feel connected to you and share intimate moments. "

4. Formulation of requests

Make clear and respectful requests: " How do you feel about this? How could we better synchronize our intimate moments? "

This method applies to all subjects, including intimacy . We highly recommend you try it; you'll only get good results.

Create an environment conducive to discussion

When discussing topics such as sexuality , it is wise to create a safe space where you feel comfortable talking about it.

A quiet corner with candles, at a time of day when each of you is 100% available for the other. Forget about periods of intense stress, the night before exams, or Sunday evenings… Take advantage of this calm time to talk things through.

How to create your sexual menu

For better communication with your partner , you can create what is called a sexual menu .

The goal is to create a list of your expectations, desires, and limits , which will facilitate communication with your partner and motivate you to try new practices. We detail the entire process of creating this famous menu, inherited from the world of BDSM .

Trying slow sex with your partner

In a world where everything moves fast, you can try to test new things by taking your time .

And for that, you can try slow sex . This mindful approach to sexuality is based on immersing yourself in the present moment, without focusing on orgasm, but on intimacy and closeness with your partner.

The goal is to relax, to try to find that harmony with your lover while strengthening intimacy.

Beyond the body: exploring different types of pleasure

Emotional pleasure

Emotional pleasure stems from feelings of connection, support, and mutual understanding between partners. It is found in gestures of affection, kind words, moments of tenderness, and emotional sharing.

The time spent listening to each other, sharing joys and sorrows, and expressing love helps strengthen the emotional bond . This allows you to feel happier and more fulfilled with your partner.

Physical pleasure

Physical pleasure encompasses all aspects of bodily intimacy , including sexuality. A fulfilling sex life can greatly improve overall satisfaction in a relationship. This is the kind of pleasure we most often discuss in our articles.

Physical intimacy promotes the production of oxytocin , often called the "love hormone." Sexual intercourse also has beneficial effects on mental health : it reduces stress by releasing endorphins , which can help to better manage daily tensions and maintain emotional balance.

This lovely cocktail of hormones increases feelings of attachment and closeness.

Intellectual pleasure

Finally, this type of pleasure stems from stimulation and intellectual compatibility between partners.

This can include deep conversations, sharing common interests, debating ideas, or exploring new topics together.

It should not be overlooked when assessing the overall well-being of the couple and when wishing to communicate one's desires to one's partner.

Seeking support from a sexual health professional

Our final piece of advice for discussing your desires and supporting the evolution of your relationship is to consult a sexologist or sex therapist .

These professionals are there to provide you with the best communication tools and help you unlock certain situations that can sometimes make you feel powerless.

Consulting a healthcare professional is not just for “big problems”; it also feels good to see a neutral person to get an outside opinion on a specific situation.

Sex therapy offers a space for sexual exploration and education that is still too little available in our societies.

This is an opportunity to learn new techniques and discover aspects of your sexuality that you haven't explored before. These moments will guide you step by step towards more fulfilling relationships because you will be better able to assert your desires and boundaries .

We hope all these tips will help you communicate openly with your partner about your concerns, wants, and desires. Try new things, learn to listen to each other, and be open to the unexpected.