Libido problem: managing differences in desire between partners

Have you ever felt that fear that "not tonight" will gradually turn into "never"? Whether you have a high, more timid, or fluctuating libido, experiencing differences in desire in a relationship is never very pleasant.

The good news is that this is perfectly normal and, what's more, this article is full of advice on how to overcome this challenge together and avoid a drop in libido in your relationship!

What does a difference in libido look like?

Discrepancies in desire arise when the sexual planets of the two partners are no longer aligned. This can manifest as one partner having a more frequent or intense desire for sex than the other.

Although they are perfectly normal, differences in desire become real difficulties when you don't dare to talk about them.

And yes, we tend to think that desire should be spontaneous, that the level of arousal is irrefutable proof of affection for the other person. With a single glance, we should tear each other's clothes off without a word, and everything should magically lead to orgasm .

We also tend to think that someone with a lower sex drive has a problem, but that's not accurate. There's no metric to measure a healthy libido versus a low one. Our only guide is how we feel.

It's difficult to find the words to bridge the gap in desire with all this baggage, isn't it?

However, in reality, the person with a higher sex drive may feel rejected when their partner isn't in the mood. At the same time, the other partner may feel guilty when they aren't in the mood when their partner wants to be intimate.

All of this awakens rather unpleasant emotions where one can feel both inadequate and resentful towards the other for not understanding.

Don't panic: there are concrete solutions you can implement to rediscover a healthy and passionate sexual intimacy as a couple. Shall we show you?

Understanding differences in desire within a couple

These differences are actually very common in relationships. In fact, it's the most frequently reported sexual difficulty among couples , regardless of gender. Differences in desire don't necessarily reflect underlying problems in the relationship. They simply show that a relationship is made up of two individuals with their own personalities, sensitivities, and desires.

Sometimes, a mismatch of desire stems from the fact that libido naturally fluctuates throughout life . It can be boosted by the menstrual cycle and mood, just as it can decrease due to stress , medication, or excessive mental strain.

Other times, this misalignment is due to the different styles of desire of each individual. Author and sex therapist Emily Nagoski discusses two types of desire: spontaneous desire and reactive desire.

• Spontaneous desire is when you become aroused in the blink of an eye. This can be triggered by a suggestive thought or by the sight of your partner.

• At the other end of the spectrum, we have reactive desire that awakens in response to a stimulus, such as a gentle hug or a passionate kiss from your loved one.

Investigating the reasons for a shift in sexual appetite is an excellent first step. It allows you to understand each other and adapt to each other's needs. If your partner is going through a particularly stressful period, you can let them return to their own pace. If you discover that for you, "appetite comes with eating," you can encourage your partner to initiate intimacy more often.

Having sex when you're not in the mood: good idea or bad idea?

We often hear that we should never have sex if we're not in the mood. We think that desire is essential for sex to be perceived not only as fun, but also as ethical.

But we must differentiate between sexual desire and sexual consent.

It is possible to freely consent to sexual relations even without desire.

What matters are our motivations. If we are motivated by something positive, like the pleasure of seeing our partner happy, this can increase desire and satisfaction.

But if you say yes out of fear of negative consequences, such as to avoid conflict or anger from your partner… that is not informed consent .

It's therefore essential to understand your sexual motivations . If you experience pleasure or arousal despite a lack of desire , that's fine. But if you feel uncomfortable or obligated, it might be time to reflect on your needs and discuss them openly with your partner .

PS: If desire does not arise after initiating intercourse, even for positive reasons, you can always withdraw your consent at any time.  

Let's talk about sex baby: daring to talk about your libido problems

We know that talking about sex can be difficult.

For many couples, problems in the bedroom often mask a loss of emotional connection rather than a genuine drop in libido.

Feeling disconnected or hurt by your partner can affect your desire for sex . This can translate into less sex, but sometimes also more sex to avoid discussing relationship challenges.

That's where empathy comes in.

Even if one partner doesn't fully understand what the other is feeling, they can still show support and commitment to the relationship . The more open the couple is to discussing their differences and respecting each other's needs, fears, and experiences, the greater the chances they have of rekindling their passion.

Here are some keys to establishing healthy communication between you :

1. Listen without judging

2. Validate feelings

3. Respect the needs

4. Embracing difference

5. Communicate openly

6. Take fears into account

7. Don't take anything personally
    

Furthermore, Kristen Mark's study on the evolution of desire in long-term relationships highlights the importance of expectations in the impact of differences in desire . According to the sexologist, couples who don't dramatize fluctuations in desire have an easier experience. They recognize that desire evolves naturally within a relationship and don't perceive it as a major problem to solve.

This perspective allows them to approach the conversation more easily and to accept changes in the bedroom with more flexibility.

Redefining pleasure for two

Quality vs. quantity

We often mistakenly judge the quality of our sex life by the number of times we've had sex in a week or month. However, the key to pleasure for both partners doesn't lie in an arbitrary number. Instead, ask yourself if you're truly enjoying yourself.

Take a moment to reflect on your recent experiences: the positions , the timing, being fully present, did you feel any discomfort?

If your sexual experiences with your partner aren't fulfilling, you're unlikely to want to jump into bed with them at every opportunity. This is another important discussion to have together.

Ask each other, "What makes sex so great for us?", and let the conversation lead you down new paths of pleasure .

The pressure to perform is a thing of the past.

Sexual performance anxiety is a sword of Damocles hanging over our heads. It makes us believe there's a right way to make love and express desire.

The good news: this sword does not exist! It is a mirage shaped by a culture steeped in taboos and a sex education focused on reproduction.

So it's up to us to define what a successful intimate moment is! Goodbye to the need to last a long time, to vary positions and to have an orgasm at all costs.

Take the time to talk with your partner about what makes a sexual experience satisfying.

Looking back on your sexual journey from your first time to the present day, you'll notice that the most memorable moments aren't necessarily linked to your performance . Sometimes, sexual connection can even be felt without engaging in traditional sexual intercourse. 

Finding intimacy outside of sexual intercourse

To address differences in libido , women's magazines often suggest that partners masturbate together . This isn't always the best way to accommodate differences in sexual desire, unless the practice is part of a broader conversation.

We recommend making some room for non-sexual intimacy . Rather than limiting yourself to a narrow definition of sex, explore what truly interests you sexually and erotically . Keep an open mind and be ready to discover new activities.

Simple gestures like showering together or walking hand in hand can strengthen your emotional bond. Remember that there are many ways to show affection to your partner besides sexual stimulation . Pleasure is everywhere if you dare to look up!

We hope these few pointers have helped you to see differences in libido as a normal occurrence in a relationship. We encourage you to approach this imbalance as a challenge to overcome together rather than as an individual problem.

Open and honest communication is essential for overcoming obstacles and finding solutions that strengthen your relationship as a whole. Need more Puissante-style advice to deepen your relationships? Head over to our article on the 5 love languages!