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Have you ever felt that fear that “not tonight” will gradually turn into “never” ? Whether you're the person not in the mood or the one who initiates, experiencing desire gaps in a relationship is never very pleasant. The good news is that it's completely normal and what's more, this article is full of advice to take on this challenge as a couple and avoid low libido in your relationship!

What does a difference in libido look like?

Discrepancies in desire manifest when the sexual planets of the two partners are no longer aligned . This can result in one partner having a more frequent or intense desire for sex than the other. 🪐

Although they are completely normal, desire gaps become a libido problem when you don't dare talk about them .

And yes, we tend to consider that desire should be spontaneous , that the level of desire would be irrefutable proof of affection for the other. With just one look we should tear each other's clothes off without speaking and everything should magically lead to orgasm. 🪄

We also think that the person with less desire for sex has a problem, but that's not fair. There is no metric for assessing a good level of libido versus one that is too low. Our only compass is feeling. 🧭

It’s hard to find the words to resolve the desire gap with all this baggage, right?

However, in reality, the person with a greater appetite may feel rejected when their partner does not want it. At the same time, the other partner may experience guilt when he or she is not in the mood when their partner wants to be intimate. All this awakens rather unpleasant emotions where we can feel both not enough while having resentment towards the other for not understanding.

Don't panic: there are fun solutions you can put in place to find healthy and passionate sexual intimacy between two people. Shall we show you? 😘

Understanding desire gaps in the couple

On their own, these gaps are actually very common in relationships . Moreover, it is the sexual difficulty most reported by couples , regardless of gender. The difference in desire does not necessarily reflect underlying problems in the relationship. It simply shows that a relationship is made up of two individuals with their own personality, sensitivity and desires. 💞

Sometimes the wrong desire match comes from the fact that libido naturally fluctuates throughout life . It can be boosted depending on the menstrual cycle , mood, or it can drop due to stress, taking medication or too much mental load.

Other times, this misalignment is due to each person's different desire styles . Author and sex therapist Emily Nagoski describes two types of desire: spontaneous desire and reactive desire. 🚀

Spontaneous desire is when we burst into flames at the snap of our fingers. This can be following a sulphurous thought or the sight of his or her partner. At the other end of the spectrum, we have reactive desire that awakens in response to a stimulus , such as a gentle hug or passionate kiss from our loved one. To find out more on the subject, go to this article. 🔍

Investigating the reasons for a mismatch in sexual appetite is a great first step. This allows us to understand each other and adapt to each other’s needs. If your partner is going through a particularly stressful time, you can let him or her return to their own pace. If you discover that for you “appetite comes with eating” , you can invite your other half to initiate intercourse more often. 🙌

Going there without being in the mood: good or bad idea?

We often hear that you should never have sex when you're not in the mood. It is believed that desire is essential for sex to not only be seen as fun, but also ethical.

But we must differentiate between sexual desire and sexual consent. 🔥

It is possible to freely consent to sexual intercourse even without desire.

What matters are our motivations. If we are motivated by something positive , such as the pleasure of seeing our partner happy, this can increase desire and satisfaction. But if we say yes out of fear of negative consequences, such as to avoid conflict or anger from our partner, desire and satisfaction can diminish over time.

It is therefore crucial to understand our sexual motivations . If we feel pleasure or excitement despite the absence of desire, that's ok. But if we feel uncomfortable or obligated, it might be time to think about our needs and have an open discussion with our partner. 💬

PS: If desire does not arise after initiating intercourse, even for positive motivations, you can always withdraw your consent at any time. 😉

Let's talk about sex baby: dare to talk about your libido problems

We know: talking about sex can embarrass us or even be associated with shame.


For many couples, the problems under the covers often hide a loss of emotional connection rather than an actual drop in libido . Feeling disconnected or hurt by someone else can affect the desire to make love. And that translates into less sex, but sometimes also more sex in order to avoid talking about the challenges of the relationship.

This is where empathy comes in. 🤍

Even if one partner doesn't fully understand how the other feels, he or she can show support and commitment to the relationship . The more the couple is open to discussing their differences and respecting each other's needs, fears and experiences , the more likely they are to rediscover their passion.

Here are some keys to establishing healthy communication between you:

  • Listen without judging
  • Validate feelings
  • Respect the needs
  • Embrace difference
  • Communicate openly
  • Consider fears
  • Don't take anything personally

  • In addition, the study on the evolution of desire in long-term relationships by researcher Kristen Mark highlights the importance of expectations in the impact of desire gaps . According to the sexologist, couples who do not dramatize fluctuations in desire have an easier experience . They recognize that desire evolves naturally in a relationship and don't see it as a major problem to resolve.

    This perspective allows them to approach the conversation more easily and accept changes in the bedroom with more flexibility. 👏

    Redefining pleasure for two

    Quality vs Quantity

    We often wrongly assess the quality of our sex life by the number of relationships we have had in the week or month. However, the key to pleasure for two does not lie in an arbitrary number. It is important to ask yourself if you really get pleasure from it.


    Take a moment to think about your recent experiences: the positions, the timing, being fully present, did you feel uncomfortable?

    If your sexual experiences with your partner don't satisfy you, it's unlikely that you'll want to jump on him at every opportunity. This is another important discussion to have together.

    Ask each other, “What makes sex so great for us?” » , and let the conversation lead you down new paths of pleasure .

     

    Forgotten the injunction to performance

    Sexual performance anxiety is a sword of Damocles balanced over our heads. She makes us believe that there is a right way to make love and express our desire.

    The good news: this sword does not exist! It is a mirage shaped by a culture steeped in taboos and sexual education focused on reproduction.

    It is therefore up to us to define what a successful intimate moment is ! Bye-bye the need to hold for a long time, vary positions and have an orgasm at all costs. 👋

    Take the time to talk with your partner about what makes a satisfying sexual experience.

    As you look back on your sexual journey from your first time to today, you'll notice that the most memorable moments aren't necessarily linked to your performance. Sometimes even the sexual connection can be felt even without having traditional sex.

    Finding Intimacy Outside of Sex

    To compensate for the gap in libido, women's magazines often offer the solution of accompanying one's partner in masturbation . It's not always the best solution for accommodating differences in sexual appetite, unless the practice is part of a larger conversation.

    Instead, we recommend that you make a little room for non-sexual intimacy. Rather than limiting yourself to a narrow definition of sex, explore what actually interests you sexually and erotically . Keep an open mind and be ready to discover new activities. ✨

    Simple gestures like taking a shower together or taking a walk hand in hand can strengthen the emotional connection. Remember that there are many ways to show affection to your partner outside of sexual stimulation. Love is everywhere when you dare to look up!

    We hope that these few ideas have allowed you to perceive libido differences as a normal event in a relationship. We invite you to approach this imbalance as a challenge to overcome together rather than as an individual problem. Open and honest communication is essential to overcoming obstacles and finding solutions that strengthen your relationship as a whole. Need more advice from Powerful to deepen your relationships? Head to our article on the 5 love languages! 🔥

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