Sexual performance anxiety: where does it come from and how to get rid of it?

Today, we're tackling a topic that's incredibly important but still far too taboo for both women and men. Drumroll, please… We're talking about sexual performance anxiety!

If you're not exactly sure what it is, where it comes from, or how it manifests, we'll summarize everything for you. Before going any further, and if you feel concerned, please know two things:

1. Sexual performance anxiety is very common . It affects 9 to 25% of men and 6 to 16% of women, across all age groups ( Just a Little Fun survey , Canada).

2. It has a real impact on your intimacy , the closeness you have with your partners, but above all, on your self-confidence.

To overcome your performance anxiety and rediscover a fulfilling relationship with your body and your pleasure, the first step is to understand.

Understanding sexual performance anxiety

What exactly is sexual performance anxiety?

Simply put, sexual performance anxiety arises when you set performance goals in your intimate life . Your brain anticipates how the upcoming encounter will unfold and conjures up a whole host of scenarios: some catastrophic, others idyllic. In any case, they are unrealistic.

Anticipation prevents any notion of letting go . Yet that's the foundation for fully enjoying your sexuality!

“Sexual performance anxiety is the fear of sexual failure, of being judged, of not satisfying, but also a fear based on anticipation or comparison. This sexual performance stress can prevent the body from letting go. This excessive vigilance blocks pleasure and fuels a vicious cycle of worry and control. ” – Bernard Bruno , physiotherapist

Control, comparison, anticipation, anxiety, insecurities… These are all notions we try to leave at the door of the bedroom. A fulfilling sex life is the complete opposite: it 's a special moment where only your sensations and feelings matter. 

However, if you are anxious, there is little room for pleasure . Anxiety creates an imbalance in the peripheral nervous system. This system is composed of two branches:

• a parasympathetic branch responsible for arousal and relaxation,

• a sympathetic branch responsible for stress and anxiety.

In stressful situations, the sympathetic nervous system takes over and puts you in a state of heightened alertness . It also restricts blood flow to the genitals. This explains why sexual intercourse is much more difficult when one of the partners is stressed.

In short, performance anxiety is a vicious cycle that prevents you from enjoying yourself.

Where does sexual performance anxiety come from?

Pornography and its dictates

Unsurprisingly, representations of sexuality in pornography are the source of many performance anxieties.

Between sex that lasts for hours, perfectly smooth bodies, and impressive ejaculations, it's easy to feel insecure if you identify with adult films. Especially since the French are particularly fond of this content: we are still the second-largest consumers of porn in the world , just behind the United States.

Contrary to popular belief, women are not lagging behind. Among regular consumers, industry giants report that 70% are men and 30% are women .

You know us, we're far from demonizing porn. We strongly encourage women to stimulate their erotic imagination . through the media they prefer. The problem is that for many of us, porn is used as an educational tool, especially if you are exposed to it at a very young age.

Let's remember: porn is cinema . The actors and actresses don't always enjoy themselves, scenes are filmed multiple times, there's editing, and there are physical standards specific to this industry. It has nothing to do with reality.

Let's stop being self-conscious about the size of our labia minora, our leg hair or our intimate lubrication and start having fun !

Fear of judgment or failure

Anxiety often stems from a fear of judgment or failure . This fear frequently originates in childhood: complicated relationships with parents, intense social pressure, physical insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, difficulty showing oneself naked or vulnerable…

You may not have made the connection between these elements and your sexuality, but all this pressure is precisely what fuels performance anxiety .

If you don't know your partner very well, the anxiety is even greater. You can't help but think for them, projecting yourself into what they expect from you or from this encounter.

The more stressed you are, the less you can enjoy yourself, and the less you enjoy yourself, the more stressed you get… You can’t get out of this.

Our first piece of advice is therefore extremely simple: stop interpreting and start communicating.

Sexual performance anxiety in men

Let's talk about concrete things. Performance anxiety manifests physically in both men and women. As we mentioned earlier, the sympathetic nervous system (which is rather poorly named) prevents relaxation and blood flow to the genitals.

In men, this translates to:

• erectile dysfunction with difficulty getting or maintaining an erection,

• premature ejaculation,

• delayed or absent ejaculation,

• a lack of pleasure or difficulty in achieving orgasm,

• a decrease in desire or libido due to fear of reliving failure,

• complexes about penis size.

Once again, we thank the patriarchy and the misrepresentations of masculinity in pornography and pop culture.

Especially since, let's be honest, women aren't necessarily fans of intense sex that lasts four hours. The best way to know what your partner really wants is still to ask her !

Sexual performance anxiety in women

For women, performance anxiety also manifests itself physically :

• lack of lubrication , vaginal dryness ,

• difficulties reaching orgasm,

• decrease in libido due to anticipation of unsatisfactory intercourse.

If this sounds familiar, we strongly advise you to talk about it. Are you hesitant to broach the subject with your partner? Sexologists are there to help . These professionals can help you better understand your anatomy, your body's reactions, and overcome any inhibitions.

You can also explore together all the avenues that can help you reconcile with your sexuality : intimate caresses ? a gentle vibrator ? a course of dietary supplements to rebalance your body? Explore the options and take your time, but above all, don't give up. You deserve to enjoy your sexuality .

How to overcome your sexual performance anxiety?

Expressing one's insecurities to partners

As we mentioned earlier, unspoken issues are truly detrimental to your sexual fulfillment. If you have insecurities, fears, or doubts, don't keep these thoughts to yourself; talk to your partner about them.

Choose a calm and neutral time, such as dinnertime. Use this opportunity to verbalize your boundaries but also what you enjoy about sex , what you find attractive in your partner.

It's normal to feel a little apprehensive about this conversation; it's always difficult to be vulnerable. Try to see it as an opportunity to move towards a truly fulfilling sexuality .

You don't have to make it a super formal conversation, the discussion can also be fun!

Vary the sources of excitement

Another way to overcome sexual performance anxiety : change your sources of arousal a little to gradually free yourself from the representations of porn.

Here are some recommendations:

• Try ethical porn which focuses on female pleasure , communication and the beauty of real bodies, however imperfect they may be.

• Try audio porn or erotic podcasts . You'll hear sounds and scenarios that raise the temperature and leave plenty of room for your imagination. You won't be able to get enough.

• Dare to sext ! Don't hesitate to write a few passionate words to your partner throughout the day. Erotic writing is perfect for sparking desire and keeping the flame alive. And if you don't have a partner, nothing's stopping you from putting your thoughts down on paper.

Exploring new ways to make love

Performance anxiety stems primarily from anticipating what your partner expects of you . Guess what? You have absolutely no idea.

It's possible that he or she doesn't like penetration , loves caresses, or is a fan of dirty talk !

To overcome sexual performance anxiety, we recommend that you break away from “classic” sexual scripts (which are often phallocentric).

“Sexual scripts are the norms concerning sexuality that individuals adopt and internalize through a process of socialization. ” Simon and Gagnon , 1986

Don't make assumptions about your partners' desires. Communicate with them and step outside your comfort zone together. Sexuality is an infinite playground to explore. Don't let your anxiety deprive you of this pleasure: have fun!

If you suffer from sexual performance anxiety, don't let your insecurities consume your intimacy. Not only are you not alone, but all your intrusive thoughts have concrete explanations; you are not responsible.

Communicate, think outside the box, and take back control of your pleasure. We're counting on you!