The ABCs of libertinism

At Puissante, we love getting our hands on topics that send a shiver down your spine and tickle the taste buds of women craving freedom. Today, we're pushing the walls of conventional sex a little further to talk about a taboo subject that nonetheless raises many questions: libertinism.

The thing is, libertinism is widely misunderstood or misrepresented. People confuse it with swinging, polyamory, or imagine it as some kind of rule-free debauchery. In reality, it’s much more nuanced and far more interesting than that.

It is extremely important to clearly understand what it really involves, under what conditions it is practiced, and with whom. Because yes, libertinism opens up new horizons of pleasure, but it is also a genuine mindset that requires clarity, communication, and respect.

So, what is a libertine couple? Can you practice libertinism solo? How can you be a libertine safely? We’re here to answer your questions.

A fun little stat to get you started: according to an IFOP study in 2014, between 5 and 10% of couples in Europe have already tried a swinging or libertine encounter. And the trend is growing. You clearly have no idea how many people are thinking about it.

What is libertinism?

Libertinism: a definition

Libertinism comes from the Latin "libertinus", which means… to set free. And there you have it, you've already understood everything.

The goal of libertinism is therefore to break free from social norms and codes that are a bit too restrictive. As sexologist Gwenn Escale explains in le Journal des Femmes:

"In my opinion, it is above all a freedom of thought, of living according to one's own standards, beyond those expected by society in terms of emotional and sexual relationships."

Libertinism is therefore a mindset for moving beyond the exclusivity of a couple. Not to destroy it, mind you. But to question it. To ask yourself: what if we explored together what lies beyond the walls of our bedroom?

In libertinism, you can make love with or without feelings, with or without your partner. You let yourself be guided by your desires rather than by the rules that have been instilled in us. And that's why it appeals to more and more people.

What is the difference between libertinism and swinging?

Okay, we really need to clarify something here: there are several terms that need to be distinguished, and it's not at all the same thing.

• "Mélangisme" (Mixing): Having sex with another couple, but only practicing penetration with your own partner. It’s somewhat of a "middle ground" of libertinism.

• Swinging: This is when you literally swap your partner with that of another couple. You go with the other person’s partner, and your partner goes with the other one. It is one of the most famous libertine practices.

• Side-by-side: Having sexual intercourse alongside one or more other couples. It’s voyeur-friendly. You watch, you participate, but not necessarily through direct physical contact.

• Candaulism: Watching your partner have sexual intercourse with someone else. Participation is not required, just voyeurism, but for real. Some people find this incredibly exciting.

• Triolism: Known as a threesome, this is when you invite an external person to join your couple during sex. Classic, but definitely hot.

• BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism): these practices are also considered libertine games that you can engage in as a couple or with others using accessories. Whipping, bondage, role-play... everything is possible.

What is the difference between a libertine couple and an open relationship?

Good question. A libertine couple truly invites each other to discover new sexual experiences, alone or together. It is an invitation to free oneself from the very classic view of a couple locking themselves into rules and unspoken expectations.

But be careful: this is very different from an open relationship. People in an open relationship can have sexual encounters outside of their partnership, but they remain emotionally exclusive. This is not necessarily the case for libertines, who enjoy much greater freedom.

And then there is polyamory, which is a bit more structured. Hierarchy in relationships, often a primary partner, overlapping relationships... it's a whole different mindset.

So:

• libertinism = maximum freedom,

• open relationship = sexual freedom but emotional exclusivity,

• polyamory = multiple relationships with a hierarchy.

To each their own rules. The important thing is to be clear about your expectations.

How do you practice libertinism?

Who should you practice libertinism with?

Libertinism can be practiced as a couple or alone, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. The basic principle is consent, regardless of the person or couple you are practicing with. This is non-negotiable.

Several ways to find a partner:

• Friends or couples of friends around you. Honestly, you don't always suspect the fantasies of people you think you know. Perhaps a couple of friends have already thought about it too?

• Dedicated dating apps. NousLib is clearly dedicated to libertine couples and singles. Wyylde too, with a well-suited sexual orientation. These apps are a great way to quickly access people with the same mindset as you, without wasting time trying to convince someone who has never considered the idea.

• Libertine parties or events. We'll talk more about this below, but it's clearly the best way to meet people in the flesh.

Libertine parties: our thoughts

Libertine parties are great because you are surrounded by people who have exactly the same intentions. You don't waste time convincing anyone. And normally, everyone is at least somewhat initiated.

However, you should know that your positioning may vary depending on whether you are a couple, a single man, or a single woman. In fact, here is what we observe: according to sociologist Daniel Welzer-Lang, author of Les Nouvelles Hétérosexualités, libertine parties are frequented by 50% couples, 40% men, and 10% women. It's an interesting ratio to know before you show up.

To choose your libertine party wisely:

• Word of mouth (with acquaintances) with reliable recommendations. This is the safest way.

• Check who runs the establishment or organizes the party. Does the person have a good reputation? Do they organize them regularly?

• The party must be supervised. There must be clear rules regarding consent, protection, and profile verification of participants. A good organizer is someone who takes this seriously.

• Have an attraction to the theme or atmosphere of the party. It is often a bit chic and premium. You will spend a few hours there, so it might as well be a place you enjoy.

Extremely important: do your research on the party and don't just pick the first one you see. Practicing safely, whether you are in a couple or single, is non-negotiable.

What happens during a libertine encounter?

Roughly speaking, like any other sexual encounter, perhaps with a little extra structure.

Everyone takes their place, which will differ depending on whether you are single or a couple. It’s important to really sense the desires and expectations of the other person or people. Talking beforehand is better to understand the context and agree on what will happen.

Since you probably don't know the people, it is essential to remain attentive to the reactions of your partner(s), the tensions, and to go slowly and progressively. Do not hesitate to verbalize if you want to try something.

And we cannot stress this enough: always protect yourself. It is essential. Use a condom against STIs, because for people you don't know very well, there is no guarantee regarding their serological status. You can never be too careful.

Libertinism: how to talk about it with your partner?

Okay, this is THE potentially stressful moment. How do you communicate your desires without it turning into an emotional disaster?

First: no discussion after a fight or during a moment of sexual tension. Bad idea. Your partner might take it as a criticism or a reproach.

Choose a neutral moment, conducive to conversation. At the table, while taking a walk, during a quiet dinner. A moment when you are both in a good frame of mind.

Clearly state your expectations, needs, and curiosities. Do not leave room for interpretation. Be honest about what attracts you. Is it about pleasure? Discovery? A new dynamic?

Talk about a shared pleasure and experience, not a frustration. Big difference.

Welcome the other person's hesitations. They may be completely opposed at first, then slowly move toward the idea. Respect that time. Forcing someone to engage in libertinism is the exact opposite of what libertinism represents.

And remember: libertinism is not for everyone, and that is okay. Some couples find their balance outside of that, and that is just as valid.

For others, it is a door you walk through together that strengthens your bond. It's up to you to find your own path.