The end of conjugal duty: a giant leap for sexual freedom

You must have seen it in the news in recent weeks. MPs have (finally) voted for the end of conjugal duty in France.

This precept, millennia old (we're barely exaggerating), was still in effect in some couples. The end of conjugal duty is a gigantic step forward for consent, for free and fulfilling sexuality within couples. It was time to rethink the codes of traditional marriage!

If the notion of conjugal duty is a bit fuzzy for you, we'll explain what this bill concretely changes and why it's a crucial step forward.

What is conjugal duty?

To define conjugal duty, we give the floor to Marie-Charlotte Guérin, MP for Rhône from the Les Écologistes party and co-author of the bill:

“Conjugal duty is the belief that one owes sexual relations to the other or that one would be entitled to demand them within the framework of marriage, in particular, and of a couple, in general.”

Concretely, this means that once you are married (or even in a relationship), you would have obligations towards your partner. The person you are with would be entitled to expect a certain sexual availability from you, just because you are together.

An ultra-dusty belief that hinders sexual freedom.

Especially since it is only a belief that has never been formalized in any law...

The Civil Code clearly specifies the 4 obligations that stem from marriage: fidelity, assistance, support, and community of life. None of these terms refer to sexuality within a couple.

If conjugal duty can finally be questioned, it is thanks in particular to recent news and the mobilization of feminist figures. We are of course thinking of the Me Too movement, but also of major recent trials such as the Pélicot case, which makes it possible to rethink the boundaries of a couple and to move away from an idealized vision of marital life.

While the State used to say that what happens in a couple belongs to intimacy, it was high time it finally crossed the threshold of the bedroom to protect women.

End of conjugal duty: what does it mean?

Recognition of consent in a couple

The bill in favor of ending conjugal duty clarifies the notion of "community of life" mentioned in the Civil Code. "Community of life" means that spouses build and invest in a common future, not that they owe each other sexual relations. It is not a "community of bed," contrary to what some opponents may have interpreted.

Therefore, informed consent is also valid within a couple, married or not. We thought it was obvious, but apparently, not so much.

For example, in 2019, a man obtained his divorce at the exclusive fault of his wife who did not wish to have relations with him. This case went as far as the European Court of Human Rights, which ultimately condemned France for this judgment.

However, there are articles that specify that divorce cannot be granted for lack of sexual relations (Article 242 of the Civil Code) and that consent must be respected within a couple (Article 212 of the Civil Code).

Prevent sexual violence

Unfortunately, sexual violence is often perpetrated within the couple, even where you feel safe and confident.

Officially ending conjugal duty allows victims to feel heard and believed when they experience violence in their home. It is not because they accept the couple's situation that they comply with their partner's injunctions regarding sexuality.

Moreover, the bill begins as follows:

“Conjugal duty, defined as the obligation to have sexual relations with one's spouse, constitutes a denial of the rights and freedoms that form the dignity of every human being. It is contrary, on the one hand, to the right to freely dispose of one's body, and, on the other hand, to sexual freedom, that is to say, to the right to consent without any form of constraint to any sexual relationship.”

How to establish a healthy framework for couple intimacy

A few reminders about consent

Consent is defined as a free and informed agreement. This agreement is not valid if you are subjected to any threat, surprise, or constraint. Constraint is a notion often misunderstood, but it can take several forms: the use of force, financial or emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, etc.

As feminist associations often remind us: giving in is not consenting.

To freely consent to a sexual act, you must profoundly and sincerely desire it. Here are some essential reminders about consent:

• It can be questioned at any time.

• You have the right to say no to anyone.

• You have the right to consent at the beginning of an act and then say no, even if the act has begun.

• You can consent to some practices but not others.

• You also have the responsibility to ensure that your partner is still consenting to the act, that he or she is not doing it "to please you" or "to have peace."

And of course, consent is not at all a hindrance to pleasure and enjoyment, quite the contrary. Respect is the basis of a great relationship!

Communication is key

Even when you love each other very, very much, it's not always easy to guess what the other person is feeling. Communication is not a bonus in a relationship, it's the foundation.

Talking about your current libido, your desires (or lack thereof), your doubts, your relationship with your body... these are sometimes uncomfortable conversations, but necessary. Especially during more fragile periods: intense fatigue, stress, psychological difficulties, physical pain, postpartum, illness. Your partner is not in your head; they cannot guess.

If you are going through a phase without desire, it's important to verbalize it. No, it's not "against" your partner. No, it's not a rejection. Often, it's a matter of hormones, mental load, or exhaustion. Putting words to it helps avoid misunderstandings, guilt, and frustrations that silently build up.

Ideally, this healthy communication framework is established from the beginning of the relationship. But good news: it's never too late to learn to express things better.

Is it serious if we don't make love as a couple?

The answer is simple: no. There is no sexual obligation, no quota to fill, no minimum frequency to observe for your couple to be "normal" or "valid."

It's better to make love twice a year with genuine shared desire than twice a week reluctantly. Forced sex, endured sex, or sex done "to avoid conflict" has never strengthened a bond; on the contrary.

Again, the main thing is to talk about it. As long as you are aligned, and each person can express their needs and limits, there is no problem. And yes, libido can be on fire for a few weeks, then disappear for a while due to stress, fatigue, or a life event. That's normal.

What matters is not to confuse the frequency of sexual intercourse with the quality of the emotional bond. Love, attachment, complicity, and respect are not measured by the number of times you have sex per month.
Sex is not a measure of love.

The end of conjugal duty is not the end of the couple, nor the end of sexuality. It is the end of an archaic injunction that no longer had a place in relationships based on respect and consent.

It is an essential reminder: no one owes sex to anyone. Neither out of love, nor commitment, nor contract. Fulfilling sexuality is not decreed; it is chosen, it is built, and above all, it is consented to, every time.

And frankly, we don't see how that could be bad news.